Are you going to Hell?
We printed it: Jesus is just alright

The world isn't as simple as it was back in 45 A.D. when those handy-dandy disciples started writing their memoirs. Nowadays we've got Jehovah's Witnesses, the Internet, and the George Forman Grill. Whodathunk? With all this confusion, it's a hell of a lot more difficult predicting whether you're going to heaven or hell. So we at gwyneth.vg came up with our own handy-dandy hot-or-not quiz. Send us your answers and we'll get back to you with a prognosis before you die.

1. You see an old man face down in the street, having fallen and probably broken his hip. What do you do?
a. Call 911, help him up, and rip up your Brooks Brothers shirt into bandage strips for his wounds.
b. Don't help, but take a discreet digital photo for posting on your "injuredoldfolks.com" site.
c. Point, laugh, and say, "Take that, Greatest Generation."
d. Kick him vigorously, pausing only to wonder if the vomit of the elderly will stain your Kenneth Coles.

2. You're home by yourself, and goodness, are you bored! What do you do?
a. Take an invogorating cold shower and re-read your favorite Bible verses.
b. Watch PAX TV--it's a "Highway to Heaven/Little House on the Prairie" Landon-a-thon!
c. Flex your muscles in the mirror. Man, you're hot.
d. Masturbate, masturbate, masturbate, masturbate.

3. You've really messed up an important project at your place of work. Your boss discovers the evidence. What do you do?
a. Blame your assistant. Guess they don't teach office sense at that "Yale" shithole, do they?
b. Explain that you had an emergency meeting with ButtCumChixxx.net and you couldn't tear yourself away.
c. Get down and grovel--after all, you fucked up!
d. Spread-em! There's no ill a little poontang won't erase.

4. Your mother calls, and halfway through the conversation, you realize it's her birthday. Oh, no! To cover your tracks, you:
a. Stop mid-sentence and sing "Happy Birthday To You" whilst simultaneously placing a super-rush order on 1800Flowers.com. I mean, it's your mother after all!
b. Hint at how her present's "in the mail," then two weeks later say, "Damn that US postal service! Buncha homicidal fucks!"
c. Say you've got call waiting, and then call your nearest sibling from your cell phone and ask her to sign the card from both of you.
d. Nothing, bucko--you've already forgotten your mother's fucking birthday for Christ's sake, so you're going straight to Hell no matter what you do.

5. You find $100 on the street. You:
a. Wave it around and yell, "HEY! Did ANYBODY LOSE A HUNDRED DOLLARS?" After all, it's not yours!
b. Keep it and spend it on hookers and cocaine.
c. Keep it and donate it to your local Seventh-Day Adventist Center.
d. Keep it and use it to snort the cocaine you and your hookers already have.

6. Your man leaves you for some ho. You:
a. Compromise your Christianity and give up your tart little cherry.
b. Find a new man, preferably one with a big dick.
c. Diss him on the Internet.
d. None of the above, because your mama taught you better than that.

7. When confronted with a homeless woman begging for money, what do you do?
a. Give her $20 and tell her where the best bargains are for bread, orange juice, and career counseling.
b. Give her $20 and the cell number of your crack dealer.
c. Ignore her, shudder at the smell of feces and liquor-sweat, and feel guilty for five minutes.
d. Knock her down, steal her change, and buy a pint of Wild Irish Rose.

8. While walking down a deserted street after midnight a group of teenagers asks you for the time. Do you:
a. Check your wristwatch thus giving them the necessary opening to aim their weapons at you.
b. Ask for directions to the hardware store.
c. Establish your street credibility by walking on the other side of the street.
d. Ask them to hold your baby while you remove your wallet from your pant pocket.

9. You've just finished reading the New Testament. What do you do?
a. Burn it.
b. Read it again.
c. Masturbate.Judgment Day makes you horny.
d. Sprint to the nearest Barnes & Noble and buy The Bible Code. Read. Search for references to Chumbawamba.